Edinburgh Day 1 : Trust and Faith

October 30th, 2012 by Laura Longley

I arrived at the airport in Edinburgh about 14 hours ago, at 10 AM local time. I easily made my way by taxi to the flat where I had rented a room, and met the flat owner, Eva. Eva is a transplant from Malaga in Spain. She’s been living in Edinburgh for 16 years. When choosing a place to stay, this was one of things that drew me to Eva’s flat. I thought it would be very useful for my own journey to know someone else who had chosen to move to Edinburgh from another country.

Another factor was that the location, just a few blocks from Holyrood Palace and Holyrood Park, was lovely. Plus, the room itself was big and bright with everything I needed to settle in for a month. I’ll post some of my own pictures soon, but in the meantime, you can get a glimpse of where I’m staying here: https://www.airbnb.co.uk/rooms/447206

Shortly after I arrived, Eva took me to show me where Holyrood Park and Palace were from the flat, then we walked to the grocery store, about ½ a mile away. I got some basics to get me started, and we headed back to the flat.

My plan for the afternoon was to stay awake as long as possible so that I could quickly get readjusted to the new time zone. I ate some lunch, and Eva headed out to meet a friend of hers. Once my lunch was done I answered some emails that had come in while I was traveling to Edinburgh, and decided to go out and explore the neighborhood a little.

I ended up taking a longer walk than I had planned, because the streets twist and turn and don’t necessarily take you where you expect them to! Isn’t that just like life? Hmmm…seems there may be a blog post in that analogy. During my walk it began to rain lightly, something that is familiar to me from living in Seattle, and that I was prepared for with a hooded coat.

My goal was to stay awake until 5 PM, and then hopefully sleep for about 12 hours to make up for missing a full night’s sleep and at the same time get me on a good schedule for my time here in Edinburgh.

I got in bed a little before 5, and easily fell asleep. So far so good with the plan. I woke up twice to use the bathroom ( I know, probably TMI), the second time at 11 PM. And could not go back to sleep.

Sleepless from Seattle

I laid in bed for a while, trying to go back to sleep, but with no luck –at least so far – as you may be able to tell by the time that I am posting this. As I lay there, I began choose thoughts that create anxiety for me. Many of these were the old stand-bys that have been serving the purpose of keeping me awake at times for most of my life.

I’m not doing enough. I’m falling down on the job. I’m not good enough. These thoughts typically lead to blaming and controlling thoughts. So-and-so didn’t do this. I need to get on so-and-so for not doing that.

Tonight these thoughts were focused towards my business. Fear and anxiety about having taken almost two days off work to travel to Edinburgh led to fear that I wasn’t doing everything I “should” be doing, which led to thinking about what other people were supposed to do that hadn’t been done.

Next I zeroed in on my trip itself. The thoughts started coming fast and furious. What am I doing here? I feel lonely and scared, what was I thinking? I haven’t gotten the answer to my spiritual journey and I’ve already been here 12 hours, so obviously this was a mistake – and a bad one at that.

Finding Peace and Trust

After mentally thrashing about with all of this for a good 30 minutes, I decided it was time to get up and journal about it.

I found that the common thread with each of these themes, fear about my business, and fear about my spiritual journey in Edinburgh, was trust and faith.

With my business I need to trust myself. I know what I want for my business, I believe that it can fulfill that vision. I also need to trust the people I pay to help me to do their jobs, and do them well. When I am rational and not having a freak-out moment, I do trust them. That’s why I hired them to do what they do. And I know that whenever I blame and don’t trust them, it really is about not trusting myself.

As for the fears about my trip, I need to trust Spirit (source, Universe, higher self) that I am here for a purpose, and have faith that purpose will be fulfilled.  All is well, and as long as I am open and welcoming to whatever shows up for me here during my month in Edinburgh, I will receive what I came here to receive.

It may not look like what I expected, although right now I don’t know that I even know what I expect, and that not knowing is part of the anxiety that sometimes creeps in. But however it shows up will be exactly right; it will be perfect.

I realized that in both of these situations I had resorted to my stress-response: trying to control. I know that when I relax and allow – trust and have faith – rather than trying to force, everything unfolds exactly as it is meant to, and all is well.

I’m now excited to see what tomorrow brings, rather than feeling scared and lonely. I hope that excitement doesn’t keep me awake because it’s now almost 1 AM!

4 Responses

  1. Cindy Coffell says:

    I’m glad you made the trip safely. I think all your concerns are natural given the big move you’ve just made. Remember to breathe…you’ll be fine once your adrenaline levels drop back to normal. Enjoyed your post and pics of your apartment. Looking forward to future posts.

    • Thank you, Cindy! I know that you’re right, that it is “normal” to have some anxiety when making big changes, and also I was feeling pretty unsettled having just arrived and not really settled in yet. Today I got all my stuff put away and my workstation set up, and I’m feeling more “in the groove.” And I know there will still be times when I get a little freaked out. 🙂

  2. Ginny says:

    Your story reminded me so much of myself about 35 and 40 years ago when I was an exchange student to Colombia and when I returned again at 22 to do grad work at the UniAndes. The first day is the absolute worst day. It’s the bottom. From that point it gets better every day. I promise. I’m watching/reading your experiences with great interest and attention because what you are doing, I have wanted to do for a long long time. Because I have had to raise a couple of kids on my own, but under a court order to make them available to their dad, I haven’t been able to follow my dream … yet. But I will. And I hope to learn a few things from you. Hang in there. It’s gonna be awesome.
    Whatever you choose to do at the end of this month, it’s going to be awesome.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and support, Ginny. Already today was better…much better. Last night was that middle of the night, I don’t know anyone, homesick kind of feeling. I even get those sometimes when I am AT home! And thank you for your affirmation that no matter what happens during this month, it will be exactly right. Yes, it will! And I do hope that my experience is helpful to you in some way, and to others. If nothing else, in maybe giving others that little bit of extra courage to follow their own hearts.

      Where is it that you want to go? Back to Colombia?

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